Distance.... is relative

So, I sense distance in a friend. I've never been one to brag about my ability to read people but I do feel that I am attentive enough to usually notice things in behaviour and attitude in those around me. Sometimes I miss read or at least convince myself things are not there when they might be. So, really I am not sure about this one and it's a bit frustrating.

I've been back in GR, the place I feel very at home, having lived here for the last 6 years. I love it, my friends, my students, my co-workers, the pace and atmosphere, the land, the freedom, etc. During the last 6 months of being off and being away, I feel like everything is whizzing past my eyes, changing, moving on, becoming different. Sadly, I feel distance where there wasn't distance before. As a single person, having the close connection with my friends is of the utmost importance to me, and that's why the distance seems a tad alarming. I feel a bit lost, a bit misunderstood, a bit helpless and transparent.

I know part of it is to do with the uncertainty I feel about how my life is passing before my eyes, the uncertainty I now feel regarding how the school and staff are moving on without me, of how I am not sure how I even fit in anymore, how I have lost my niche. The other part of me is thinking to the new friends I have now met in NS and how loving and kind they have been to me, the bond that is now slowly but surely forming between us all. I feel lost between two very distant places, unsure as to where I should land and put root, wondering if I will ever fit in that warm nook that used to bring me such joy and comfort and wondering if that place of complete union and understanding that I once dwelled in will ever exist again for me.

How can 6 months change so much?!

Film Review: Gray Matters

I guess my idea of a review means expressing the thoughts I have had about a film, and not necessarily a rating, on a scale or anything of that sort. This movie did in fact make me think. I've had an interesting year (in the last 12 months sense of the word) actually half year. There's been a theme that has actually been touched in the movie, Gray Matters also. The film was produced in the mid- 2000's and features Heather Graham as the lead character. The tag line of the film is something along the lines of "Follow the comedic tale of a brother and sister who fall in love with the same girl".

To pre-emp any other thoughts that may currently be running around your head, I probably should give you an idea of who/what I am. I am a little "l" liberal, enjoy politics but support people instead of everything that a particular party stands for. I prefer being a person of balance and truly give consideration to all sides of any story or set of beliefs. During my teenaged years, my closest friends were the "bandies", who in my case was primarily also the fairly right wing religious cats. They are super duper nice people, but I can't say I ever fully got behind the extreme views that they held about certain things. They never really sat perfectly well with me, even though they were very special friends to me then, and remain so today.

I am a very passionate, positive, creative, communicator/ dreamer types. Always full of lots of ideas, thoughts, imaginings, dreams... I am overly analytical as well, and put a lot of value on connecting and really understanding people, how they are feeling, what they believe, what they hope for and what they are hiding. I pride myself on being extremely observant and also very sensitive to people around me. Contrary to how it is probably coming across to you right now, I don't actually like talking about myself, sharing what I really think (so as not to offend or upset anyone else) and telling people my stand on things. It's not that I am ashamed or hiding something, it's just that I don't actually get asked by many people, and I don't often find the place/time to share those things without sounding like I am trying to push my own beliefs on others. If asked, I will share, it's just opportunities to be asked don't come along. I would say I keep myself guarded a fair bit, but am always dying to open, to be transparent and to be known, intimately, by others.

Back to Gray Matters, I felt that I could identify a fair amount with the main character. Gray, was a 20-30 something, put extreme value on her relationship with family(in her case, her brother, in mine- my biological family, and those friends of mine that are platonic and as tight as family). This focus on being close to friends and family, was in contrast to her lack of any dating/romantic relationships. She was driven and pleased with her life despite the lack of a romantic link, excited by her career and the things she was accomplishing in those realms.

In my life, other than a boyfriend during high school for 2 years, I haven't dated anyone. Not that I haven't had crushes on MANY, it's just that I am a horrid flirter and nothing became of the attraction. I explained it away as being not mutual, however, I really don't know why I had no luck; maybe I came across as being content the way things were, too confident in who I was, too busy, too college/career oriented, maybe I didn't seem needy enough? Not sure! In any case, I haven't been in a relationship since 1997.

On the movie, after Gray and her brother are challenged to find themselves romantic interests by their friends at a dinner party, they go to the dog park and Gray helps her brother meet a pretty girl they see. They invite the girl out to an un-threatening dinner for three and in a short time the brother decides to marry the girl, Charlie in Vegas with Gray going along as a witness for them. While Gray and Charlie are trying to celebrate her last night of single bliss, they sing with Donna Summers, get smashed and end up drunkenly kissing each other back in the hotel room before falling asleep.

For Gray, it totally freaks her out in a completely over-reactive scene of her pacing for 6 hours asking herself "what just happened". She clearly understood that there was something favourable about the experience despite it's brevity, and spends most of the rest of the movie trying to figure out what it actually meant to her. The movie is meant to be a comedy, so some of the situations are done rather "cheesily", for lack of a better word, but the intent of the piece is what I find most intriguing!

Earlier this year I had a supper with someone close to me, who decided they really wanted to come out of the closet to me. They had done it with their mother this past summer and it was something really important to her to express it herself to me during that meal, instead of me hearing through the grapevine as she came out to others. I can't say it was a surprise, I think everyone knew for quite a while, maybe it was the girl "roommates" she often brought to functions. It was something that was fairly common knowledge, despite never being overtly expressed. I appreciated the effort and difficulty that she seemed to have with coming out to me, and made sure that she felt my support and my never-changing care about her. I could tell it was like lifting a weight off of her shoulders and I was happy to be there for her and with her at that extremely important time of acknowledging who she was.

During our conversation I couldn't help but think about my VERY "out" friend from high school. I can't say back in HS I ever really thought about who was a lesbian and who was not. There were a few guys that were openly gay, but none of the girls I really knew well were. I have kept in touch with her a little since HS, and had a very fun time dancing to James Brown songs at the pub with her and her then girlfriend at our 10 year reunion. I know that she also had an interesting journey of coming out to her family and friends and just recently exposed that side of her life to her teenaged brother in the last year, despite being one of the most "out" girls I know.

In the movie, Gray seems to SUDDENLY realize her attraction to women, after just one kiss... No idea before that one moment, no idea about it when they share some otherwise intimate, yet not sexual, situations. It feels a little weird and yet a little bit familiar to me. Is it wrong? Is it a poorly written movie... well, maybe, but still I think that people probably have very different experiences regarding relationships and romantic love. I wonder if there was some compulsion from the writers to suggest that because Gray didn't date guys for so long or find a guy to date that she must be a lesbian. Is that the way that the world thinks? Does that mean because I haven't dated a guy since 1997 that I must be a lesbian too? I don't know. Maybe, just maybe, there is something to the correlation? It's not that I don't meet or know guys I find attractive. I would drop everything if George Stromboulopolous suddenly called me up with a wedding proposal. But at this time, I might do the same for that mysterious and breathtaking mid-30 year old lady that asked where the washroom was behind me in the Sobey's express line this afternoon.

I'm not big on labels, and don't really completely understand gay culture, but I know that I like people, no matter what they are for race, gender, size, hair colour. Those things don't matter to me, whereas the personality, integrity, and character do. Should I put a name on myself so I can identify better with others or can I simply know what I am about and be willing to share that if anyone takes an interest and asks?

My thoughts are also with the nation of Haiti. I hope that those who are injured get helped soon, and those who have lost everything get the aid they need to survive, grow, love, share and find happiness again.

Learning... and churning... and yearning...

Big month so far! August came in like a lion, and at this rate I guess I wouldn't mind if it went out like a lamb with my luggage and flights going very smoothly.

I've enjoyed relaxing and spending time with friends and family much longer than I normally would. Right now I would have likely been flying back to the North, boxes packed, shopping complete, lesson plans spinning around my head, excitement to get started with my new students whirling around in the pit of my stomach... But nope, instead I am revelling in the knowledge that I have another two weeks of summer and sun and relaxation and... house repair planning?

Yeah, did I mention I bought a house? WTF! I KNOW, I really am kind of surprised that I did it. I mean, I have been thinking and talking to Dad about investing in something a little bit bigger than what I have been doing so far. But it does seem a bit like a blurr now that there is a property in Yarmouth that I own...



It's kind of freaking me out because it is such a serious move. It's going to affect the way I think about my finances, my social life, etc. Although most people are asking if it means I am staying in NS, no it doesn't. This will always be considered home, but I am not yet ready to live and work here. I have too many things that I still want to do up North. I really want to see certain kids make it through, graduate and become well established members of the community. I owe it to them, I owe it equally to myself. Melissa, for example, I need to see her make a run at graduation. I need to see her not get mixed up with the usual trash. And Wayne. I don't want him to be shot down, so close to the end.

It also makes it easier to know that there is no one here that is making me tossed up on that either. I love the family, but know we will be close near or far. So far this summer in the "love interest" department there's not been any series contenders appearing. Lots of flirts but nothing that seems like it will be anything more than that. Problem with flirts is I realize that I have a very, uncontainable imagination. I can imagine a very long and happy future with flirts FAR FAR FAR too easily. It makes my heart flutter in that realm of possibility and sadly, flirts are often already in long term relationships, which you only find out after you have some well laid plans of how you will get together...

Likely the problem is also that I am a chicken to do much straight-forward flirting back when the flirting is initially happening... Then I regret the lack of laying it on the line at the time and plan how it might happen to redeem myself. Maybe the timidity has saved me face? Depends on how you look at that one...

Let's see what the rest of August holds... Hope you enjoy the rambling! Time to get myself going...

Bitterness for Beauty...

Wow, this blog has turned pretty sour in the last few days. I've been bitter... not gonna deny it, since if I tried I would have to delete at least three of my last 4 blogs and frankly, I don't want to. They were just as real as my usually chipper and insightful ones. ha!

But last night as I went out the door to go on a restorative walk, I encountered the most beautiful sunset I've seen since... well, last week. And it did well for my soul! I grabbed my camera and zoomed down the road towards the bay on my 4-wheeler. Enjoy the following shots...










Since I am on a photo uploading kick, I thought I would post a few shots from my first week with my new Nikon D5000 digital SLR. Let me know what you think.









That was a few pics of the Ulluriaq Flight Club. The Gym teacher, Pascal, is an avid model plane flyer and some of the boys took an interest so they started a club. Training on the simulator first, and when they can pass a test then they get to try a real model plane.

Last week was also a very special one for us in George River, especially at Ulluriaq School. Our long term (close to 30 years of service with KSB) Principal, Jean Leduc, is retiring the end of this year and we held a special surprise celebration for him at school. Complete with present, speeches, Rocky Theme song and smoke machine entrance, and retiring of his jersey... Here are a few photos from that celebration.










Last but not least, I have an interesting neighbour, who is a superhero. He was Spiderman for the first four years that I lived in GR and then became a rotation of the Incredible Hulk and Ben 10. But more recently, since Easter, Jesus is his new superhero/action star. See he watched Passion of the Christ with us and was taken with the violence, suffering and tragedy around the story of Jesus. He was also impressed with how, although Jesus was beaten and nailed to a cross, he was still the hero of the story. This kid, of 5 years, is no normal kid. He has a tender heart, is very sensitive to the needs of others and has a keen curiosity about religion. He is always asking questions and saying cute/funny things that make you wonder what's really happening in his head. Proceed to picture now.



When asked about these crosses, he explains that it's not a graveyard but they're for Jesus because Jesus is our hero. He has offered that the small cross in the middle is for the neighbour's chihuahua when it dies, but asked the owner if he might have permission to nail the dog to the cross when he does pass. What a guy!

My "Love Affair" with Easter Holidays...

So, I have had a very enjoyable holiday so far. Today was productive and lots of fun- did my taxes, got some good results from that; spent a few hours out in the warm sun doing a few odd jobs; did some online shopping- new laptop coming- to celebrate the end of my "online shopping fast" for Lent; talked to the parents; played trivia on the computer; and now, I am cuddled up in my comfy watching my all time FAVOURITE chick flick, The Love Affair.



I first watched it with Nancy L. and some other girls during a "Girls Only" sleepover during high school. We had dyed our hair, ate yummy food, giggled until our stomachs ached, talked about boys and then the movie. I will never forget the goosebumps and chills I got from this movie. I seriously cannot explain what specifically about the movie moved me so much, but I get the exact same feelings every time I watch this movie.

I was reading somewhere today that it was actually considered to be a real flop of a movie, a directing/co-starring job for Warren Beatty, playing opposite his wife, Annette Bening... Compared to the other success films in their careers, it was not a high point, however, for me it is something truely special, partly as a result of the fact that they were married when they played these roles of two new, yet eternally destined true loves or swans as Katherine Hepburn suggests early in the film.

This movie is moving in SO many ways: the plot, which has been done more or less in many other movies through history, is rich and take these characters to beautiful and entirely romantic locations, especially Mike's aunt's (Katherine Hepburn) house in Tahiti near the beginning of the film; the chemistry, oh- the chemistry in the gazes, glances, smirks, hesitations and gestures of these characters, their chemistry, their soulful, emotional connection is dreamy and gives me the chills- especially thinking about the times Warren's character just stares admiringly at Annette's character, wanting to take the plunge and drop his lack of commitment to be with her; and the music- you MUST get the soundtrack if you ever have a chance to see this film- listening to the music brings you back into those moving moments of the film. Ennio Morricone really outdid himself in the composing department for this film- he captured the emotions; raw, genuine, painful, hopeful, exciting; and translated them into notes and melodies that burn into your heart and mind.


A lot of the movie leaves me painfully hurt that the main characters are too proud and independent to reach out to others when they are in need, but I guess it just helps to make you feel that much more resolution at the end of the film. Sorry for being so vague there, but I don't want to give away some of the plot, so that you can go rent it and experience the film as open mindedly, especially with regard to the raw emotion that it attempts to convey. (Word of warning though, it is a CHICK FLICK by all definitions and connotations. Don't watch it to expect mystery, suspense or action... it really would leave you un-satisfied.) Watch it if you are in the mood to cry, laugh, hope, dream, swoon and sigh. It's that kind of film.


One of my favourite scenes starts when Mike invites Terry to go see his aunt, played by Katherine Hepburn, who came out of retirement to be in the film. The journey to the house shows the warming of their feelings towards one another and the loss of the pre-conceived notions that Terry has towards Mike. She sees his warmer, caring, honest side, and become quite taken with him. Katherine's character, Aunt Ginny, is full of wisdom and I feel wiser and much more hopelessly romantic when she is finished sharing with Terry. One of the classic and most meaningful lines she shares with Terry is the following:
The trick in life isn't getting what you want, my dear, it's wanting it after you get it.

I also really enjoyed the conversation between Terry and Mike on the plane just before landing in New York. They were both clearly unsure and unhappy about the thought of leaving each other. Each of them weren't sure if the other was really as head over heels for them as they were. Terry didn't know if Mike was just playing her, as he did with so many other women. Yet Mike was also wondering if Terry really wanted to drop her fiance to be committed to him. He was trying to get to the bottom of her feelings by discussing how happy she was, and she if she could admit that she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her. Insecurity and uncertainty were very rampant. Her response to him was:
"I guess I'm happy when I don't want to be anywhere else but where I am."
I love that thought, it makes me feel at peace and realize that I really do have a deeply happy life since there is no other place that I would rather be!

So, in conclusion, try to check out this film. Make some memories around it like I have, of good friends, crushes or true loves, joy and destiny. Tomorrow or Tuesday I am off to Short Lake for an extended camping stay. I am pumped as the weather looks incredible- sunny, and JUST cool enough to maintain the snow pack. La vita es bella!