Lost inside the grey matter....

What a week... or should I say first term of school since it is slowly drawing nigh. My brain is numb from the events that have been happening around me. Of course there was the suicide of one of my long term students, a girl who was probably the most expressive of all of the students I knew up here. She is already out of most people's minds, showing that suicide no longer has the same appeal of attention getting as it once had. For her friends it is still a struggle but even they are holding up remarkably well and were back to life as usual within a week of the event. The only time I even think about her is when I try to summarize the Autumn.

There are however, lots of neat things that took place since my last post. I was chosen to receive one of the new two bedroom houses. We should be moving in in the next few weeks. Little delay because the inspector's report was kind of slow coming and the contractor left promptly for his holidays as soon as he nailed the last nail... They are very pretty houses. My place is two floors, so there'll no longer be little feet jumping on the floor above my head at 6 am on Saturday mornings. The location is nice. Next door to some of my friends, close to the store and with the tundra in my backyard, not other houses. The packing has been a pain in the arse but I think it is mostly because I am trying to sort out the piles and piles of old papers and junk that I have collected over the last 5.5 years up north. I gave LOTS of things away on the long weekend when we had a flea market in our neighbourhood. I couldn't be bothered with pricing so when people walked in, I told them they would be HELPING me if they could just take as much as possible. Everyone seemed happy with the arrangement and I eliminated close to 10 boxes of clothes, etc.

Work is going well, the students that I have are a very different mix. Lots of girls, instead of almost all boys. Changed the dynamic a little bit, but not nearly as much as I thought it would. I really love the group, we seem to have a very nice atmosphere and rapport, it will be fun to see what projects we complete this year.

I have confirmed (only in my own mind at this point) that I will be taking my year off next year. I am ITCHING to travel and have a few trips already in the works in my mind... The last few days have almost driven me over the edge at work. I am realizing how much a sense of belonging to a team is needed for me to be happy and give all that I have. I can't say I have that same sense of 'go team go' with my colleagues that I used to have and it frankly is driving me crazy. One of the biggest challenges to working in a small isolated town is that your friends and social connections are also your colleagues so it also hit me hard to realize the awkward position I was putting some of my closest friends in, since they are in admin. My grey matter was in overload, running in circles and I felt the most alone I have ever felt up here. (Doesn't help when you are single with no apparent prospects around either, haha!!) I found myself reverting to some of my old patterns of thought from my graduation year when I was fearing the whole separation from dear friends that I had grown up with. I put some of them through hell, and it remains a permanent regret in my life. I thought it was much better to push people away, keep them at a distance so that the pain of leaving would not be as hard. Back then, I let it go so far as to let myself get really nasty and mean to keep them away from my heart. It's weird how no matter how much progress we make, sometimes those un-progressive thoughts and behaviours can creep back in to our lives...

Yesterday was one of those friends' birthday, so I was forced with the decision to stay detached or engage and go to the "birthday party" as we had planned long before my meltdown. I was determined to stay in the dark place I was in but my conscience kept reminding me where solitude can leave me, so I went, and with the help of a glass or two of GatoNegro and a raclette full of grilled vegetables and meat, things started to return to normal.

In early September, I went camping for two nights by boat. One day we were going to a cove off the Ungava Bay where we sometimes go fishing at the lakes. We hiked up a small river to see if we could find fish that were climbing the river. When we came back to the boat the tide had gone VERY far out leaving us stranded on the mudflats with a rainstorm coming up. That could have been a very long, lonely and depressing day, like the last few days lost in my grey matter, but when I think back, it was a fun adventure. We spent the day together, laughing, talking, mussel picking, watching for bears, eating snacks and drying our clothes with a coleman stove. I hope I can retain a clarity of mind in the future, to always see beyond the dark places to the small rays of light.