Resolution feels SO good!

I knew from the start that we were having a misunderstanding. But my pride, or fear, or something, kept me from making the first step. When this happened before, my hurt quickly became anger and I wouldn't budge, no matter how much it hurt or how much I really wanted to, to make the first step in making up. But I've noticed that when you do, you rarely regret that move, and when all is said and done, you hope that good reason will override feelings that next time around...

Maybe it is the ending of classes, the successful graduation celebration or simply the current weather forecast (see below), or maybe it is simply because the stress and tension of the misunderstanding is now over, but I feel much lighter, happier, optimistic and excited about things to come.



Bring it on!

4 days and counting...

I've never felt so alone here in GR. Sure I do have one dear, dear friend here, but she is the busyiest person on the planet and although she means well... well, it's just not the same. It makes me so sad.

Big birthday tomorrow.

So, I'm not a big braggart of birthdays. To be honest I prefer when they really go un-acknowledged, except for by my mom, since she always remembers, I guess it was a significant experience- popping out your first born. (but since it seems that no one is checking this out, I can put it here without recourse.)

Tomorrow is the big 30. It would be a fun day for sure except for the nagging feeling I have that is making my heart heavy. It's been close to three days that my good friend has talked to me. It hurts SO badly that I can barely look anyone in the face without the feeling that tears welling up. My people mean so much to me, and it is hurting SO much that it doesn't seem to be mutual.

Sun soaked weekend! FABULOUS!

So the weather was wonderful. I spent most of the last two days outside, soaking in the rays and enjoying that feeling of summer freedom that teachers crave...

Sadly however there was a bit of a storm in my head. I'm getting more and more brave on here since it seems that no one is actually reading this... Or else they are being secretive about it. Let me know if someone is actually slogging through this low point with me. I will owe you a sincere apology for the un-characteristic low I am expressing on here...

I spoke to a friend on Friday about some rather important bad feelings I was experiencing in hopes that we might talk and then I would feel more at peace with everything that is going on around me. I'm not a big "tell you how I feel" person, to be honest, so I do my expressing VERY selectively and even with people I like and trust, I RARELY do it. But it was starting to get to be so big in my head that I needed to get it out there. Now, to give you a little bit of background, this friend is someone who I spend a lot of time with, I am very close with his whole family, we have quite a bit in common and he has also used me as a sounding board for LOTS of things both work related and home related for the past couple years. He has also felt very comfortable telling me about his frustrations and troubles. I haven't minded, have listened and helped when and where I could.

I cannot get over the response I received from him after sharing my concerns/troubles with him on Friday. We actually started off by talking but at one point I just couldn't talk anymore, I was too emotional, and really wanted to collect myself before finishing the discussion. Since I know he is a computer junky, I sent him an email once I got home, knowing that he checks it like 100 times a day and would likely reply before I was awake the next morning. But now we are Sunday evening. I have heard nothing, had no hellos even when I have been outside at the same time, and as for the email, well, nothing there either. What am I supposed to think? Was our friendship just a one way street all this time and I didn't even know? What was a smaller hurt from something else has now become the Grand Canyon concerning my even existence here in this town... I do not understand what is going on around me.

The storm in my head was only quieted for a few minutes today when I walked 4 km to one of my most favourite places on the planet. A small lake atop the mountain across from our airport. I walked there in the dry, summer-like heat, listening to the tunes of the RAW wrestling soundtrack. I got to the lake and out onto the narrow peninsula that forms a small round island 20 feet into the lake. I sat on a rocky outcrop, turned off the music, drank some cold fresh water and thought about how I felt as far away from every person and thing that brought me down, thought about how I could scream out there and no one would probably even hear me, thought about the heat wave lines that soared up behind the hills towards the river, and about the huge sea ice that was leaving the bay with every tide, about my summer and getting away from the turmoil of school and about the infinite possibilities I had next year. I thought about how much fun I had last year when I walked to this spot for a picnic with my students and the weekend that I went with two of the teachers kids to camp out over night. I thought about how warm it was on my face, about the sunburn I was probably getting and didn't care, I thought about whether there were little trout in the water and if I could try to lure them out with a piece of fishing line that I found on the trail and my gum stuck to the end. I thought about how the things we think are the most secure about are future can change in one second, about how our friends can sometimes let us down and how I should have seen the warning signs before investing so much of myself in that relationship. I thought about how disappointed I am to be taking my year off next year, and how I am sure the others are going to be so much happier in my absence. I thought about how when we did the colour personality tests a few years ago, I came out almost evenly blue and green and how the instructor said that it was a rather rare combination but one that tended to be someone who was a good leader. I thought about how much sense that personality description fits me- "blue" being people who care A LOT about others, what others think of them, how to help others and make them feel good about themselves and "green" means someone who is VERY analytical, who thinks A LOT about everything and anything, who plans, dissects, tries to make sense out of everything around them. I think it has me to a "T"... But why does this truth make me feel so darn isolated?

Bitterness for Beauty...

Wow, this blog has turned pretty sour in the last few days. I've been bitter... not gonna deny it, since if I tried I would have to delete at least three of my last 4 blogs and frankly, I don't want to. They were just as real as my usually chipper and insightful ones. ha!

But last night as I went out the door to go on a restorative walk, I encountered the most beautiful sunset I've seen since... well, last week. And it did well for my soul! I grabbed my camera and zoomed down the road towards the bay on my 4-wheeler. Enjoy the following shots...










Since I am on a photo uploading kick, I thought I would post a few shots from my first week with my new Nikon D5000 digital SLR. Let me know what you think.









That was a few pics of the Ulluriaq Flight Club. The Gym teacher, Pascal, is an avid model plane flyer and some of the boys took an interest so they started a club. Training on the simulator first, and when they can pass a test then they get to try a real model plane.

Last week was also a very special one for us in George River, especially at Ulluriaq School. Our long term (close to 30 years of service with KSB) Principal, Jean Leduc, is retiring the end of this year and we held a special surprise celebration for him at school. Complete with present, speeches, Rocky Theme song and smoke machine entrance, and retiring of his jersey... Here are a few photos from that celebration.










Last but not least, I have an interesting neighbour, who is a superhero. He was Spiderman for the first four years that I lived in GR and then became a rotation of the Incredible Hulk and Ben 10. But more recently, since Easter, Jesus is his new superhero/action star. See he watched Passion of the Christ with us and was taken with the violence, suffering and tragedy around the story of Jesus. He was also impressed with how, although Jesus was beaten and nailed to a cross, he was still the hero of the story. This kid, of 5 years, is no normal kid. He has a tender heart, is very sensitive to the needs of others and has a keen curiosity about religion. He is always asking questions and saying cute/funny things that make you wonder what's really happening in his head. Proceed to picture now.



When asked about these crosses, he explains that it's not a graveyard but they're for Jesus because Jesus is our hero. He has offered that the small cross in the middle is for the neighbour's chihuahua when it dies, but asked the owner if he might have permission to nail the dog to the cross when he does pass. What a guy!

The Countdown is on.

Last weekend was very fun. Friday became a celebration filled day centered around the retirement of our beloved Principal, Jean Leduc. We had a surprise ceremony with the students in the morning, another staff only potluck, and then an evening old school dance party.

The weather also FINALLY turned warm and sunny, like summer had arrived. So, with the mix of fun and warm weather, my brain got tricked into thinking it was really holidays. Which it isn't yet. Not until June 19th.

Well, seems like everyone else is in agreement, although we've never discussed the feeling. Tempers are shorter than normal, comments are more snappy and abrasive, patience is thin. Students are sleepy or absent for the most part even though exams begin tomorrow.

I really am excited to be on my year off, starting in 11 days... I won't have to face tired kids, irritable co-workers or deadlines... for 13 months... As close to heaven as I can imagine!

Hormones make me annoyed...

Scary to be admitting all this stuff here but I can really feel myself being irritable this week. PMS has arrived. Don't really know of too many times that it hits me to be honest, so I even get annoyed with myself when it does actually affect me. Probably doesn't help that I am completely overtired from waking up around 5 every morning because of the bright light outside my window, or the fact that it's light so late that I tend to only drift off to sleep around midnight.

Needless to say, things are annoying me. Like a few minutes ago, when I arrived in my class to a pile of cupcakes on the ledge where students keep their binders. Normally cupcakes would be a happy sight, however, in this case, it drove me. I did some sleuthing and found out it was one of the K-1-2 teachers, she had misunderstood the instructions about making the cupcakes and keeping them in your class until Friday, when we'd all bring them down to the gym for the big Retirement party for our Principal. Somehow, she understood-"Decorate them and then leave them in Gillian's class to take care of"... HUH!? I am not even on the organizing committee, I have had nothing to do with the passing out of the mixes, of the plan or anything... Never have I discussed cupcakes with another soul at school, and yet somehow I get a piles of rather beautifully, child-decorated cakes.

It kind of brought up the hurt about the committee's comments about me not being ready for the VP position. It made me wonder how I seemed to be seen as a leader/resource person for anything that happens in the school, and yet the committee of people (who do not work with me) see me as someone who just doesn't have the skills... The irony kills me! haha... Am I a leader or am I not a leader?

I have three meetings already after school that require my attendance and a pile of marking/ photocopying that is through the roof. One more SNAFU to have to fix just drove me over the top, and despite all of that I knew I had to fix the problem. Get the cupcakes into the right place, and clarify the communication error that took place.

Did I mention the sun is more or less out (less since it is not overly sunny, but more since it is in fact light out all the same) from 3 am until 10/11... Ugh...