Sun soaked weekend! FABULOUS!

So the weather was wonderful. I spent most of the last two days outside, soaking in the rays and enjoying that feeling of summer freedom that teachers crave...

Sadly however there was a bit of a storm in my head. I'm getting more and more brave on here since it seems that no one is actually reading this... Or else they are being secretive about it. Let me know if someone is actually slogging through this low point with me. I will owe you a sincere apology for the un-characteristic low I am expressing on here...

I spoke to a friend on Friday about some rather important bad feelings I was experiencing in hopes that we might talk and then I would feel more at peace with everything that is going on around me. I'm not a big "tell you how I feel" person, to be honest, so I do my expressing VERY selectively and even with people I like and trust, I RARELY do it. But it was starting to get to be so big in my head that I needed to get it out there. Now, to give you a little bit of background, this friend is someone who I spend a lot of time with, I am very close with his whole family, we have quite a bit in common and he has also used me as a sounding board for LOTS of things both work related and home related for the past couple years. He has also felt very comfortable telling me about his frustrations and troubles. I haven't minded, have listened and helped when and where I could.

I cannot get over the response I received from him after sharing my concerns/troubles with him on Friday. We actually started off by talking but at one point I just couldn't talk anymore, I was too emotional, and really wanted to collect myself before finishing the discussion. Since I know he is a computer junky, I sent him an email once I got home, knowing that he checks it like 100 times a day and would likely reply before I was awake the next morning. But now we are Sunday evening. I have heard nothing, had no hellos even when I have been outside at the same time, and as for the email, well, nothing there either. What am I supposed to think? Was our friendship just a one way street all this time and I didn't even know? What was a smaller hurt from something else has now become the Grand Canyon concerning my even existence here in this town... I do not understand what is going on around me.

The storm in my head was only quieted for a few minutes today when I walked 4 km to one of my most favourite places on the planet. A small lake atop the mountain across from our airport. I walked there in the dry, summer-like heat, listening to the tunes of the RAW wrestling soundtrack. I got to the lake and out onto the narrow peninsula that forms a small round island 20 feet into the lake. I sat on a rocky outcrop, turned off the music, drank some cold fresh water and thought about how I felt as far away from every person and thing that brought me down, thought about how I could scream out there and no one would probably even hear me, thought about the heat wave lines that soared up behind the hills towards the river, and about the huge sea ice that was leaving the bay with every tide, about my summer and getting away from the turmoil of school and about the infinite possibilities I had next year. I thought about how much fun I had last year when I walked to this spot for a picnic with my students and the weekend that I went with two of the teachers kids to camp out over night. I thought about how warm it was on my face, about the sunburn I was probably getting and didn't care, I thought about whether there were little trout in the water and if I could try to lure them out with a piece of fishing line that I found on the trail and my gum stuck to the end. I thought about how the things we think are the most secure about are future can change in one second, about how our friends can sometimes let us down and how I should have seen the warning signs before investing so much of myself in that relationship. I thought about how disappointed I am to be taking my year off next year, and how I am sure the others are going to be so much happier in my absence. I thought about how when we did the colour personality tests a few years ago, I came out almost evenly blue and green and how the instructor said that it was a rather rare combination but one that tended to be someone who was a good leader. I thought about how much sense that personality description fits me- "blue" being people who care A LOT about others, what others think of them, how to help others and make them feel good about themselves and "green" means someone who is VERY analytical, who thinks A LOT about everything and anything, who plans, dissects, tries to make sense out of everything around them. I think it has me to a "T"... But why does this truth make me feel so darn isolated?