Iso-spirituality

I was thinking this Sunday morning about how much my thoughts on spirituality have changed in the past four years of being up North. It was a very difficult thing to get used to, living in isolation, far away from the church families that I once held so dear to my heart.

During high school and university, I was always a part of a church where I had encouragment, fellowship, prayer support, and spiritual teaching. I was also drawn to be very involved in the programs and activities that those churches had to help believers and unbelievers deepen their walk with God. For me during those years, I felt that God was calling me to do that work, and that through the 100% commitment I made in those areas of ministry, I was also bringing joy to God, I was fulfilling his will for me. In Ottawa, there were usually only 2 nights a week during which I as not found at the church assisting the youth/young adults pastor or other leaders.

Despite the extreme time commitment, I feel that God really honoured my effort in my courses too and I passed them all with flying colours. (I will never forget the semester in second year in which I was particularly busy at the church, and I still managed to get A+ grades in ALL of my courses. I couldn't take all the credit for the success but was convinced it was with God's help that I did so well...)

It was a busy life, but I felt that it really was a balanced life. I had peace in every decision I made and knew that I was walking faithfully in God's will.

Then came the end of university. I applied to a few school boards including the Ottawa area one, but felt very excited and good about the decision to accept a job in the North. I am confident even still that it was a good decision. BUT with that decision came the prospect that I would not have this home base or fellowship to help me work out my faith. Upon arriving my fears were confirmed when I tried to attend the local church but never felt quite comfortable there. It was first of all in Inuktitut and another teacher who went my first two Sundays later informed me in October of that first year that she was no longer going to go, since on of the main lay leader's is a major drug dealer in town and she no longer felt that she could sit and listen to him preach words she could not understand. She felt that the hypocrisy of the situation was one that was more damaging to her soul than helpful. I agreed. I did not want to go and participate if I could not check with my own heart the teachings that were coming from him.

The other part was that I still felt a major disconnect between myself and the people in the congregation. Sure many recognized me, and I them, but simply smiling and shaking hands did not feel like enough fellowship and building up, as I was formerly used to. I realized that my spiritual walk would have to be a one on one thing only, just back to me and God, and God's creation. Fortunately for me, I had my guitar and also many CD's of music that helped me to have that feeling of church community in the confines of my apartment. But it wasn't quite the same thing.
I am not going to lie to you. It is hard to feel as close to God when you feel alone in what you believe and think. I tried hard and found that while driving skidoo on camping trips became some of my best times of communion with God, when you have no one else to talk to and you are alone with the thoughts inside your head. Maybe I was not growing cold as much as I was finding the new dynamics of my relationship with God.

Now I feel closer to God through my everyday life. Every time I see something beautiful or the amazing colours and movements of the northern lights, I think of God's creation... Everytime I encounter a drunk person staggering on the street, I think of the depression and lack of hope gripping some people in this town... Everytime I have a student come into class with a frown or telling me that they went to bed late, I reminded of how my classroom is sometimes the only safe place they have, and sometimes I am the only "stable" adult that they interact with on that day... When kids I don't know run up to me and give me a hug and won't let go, I realize that maybe they would run to someone who would mistreat them, if I don't take a minute to talk to them and show them that I care. Being here in this town is not just for me, but it is to be an ambassador of hope, of joy and of love. I have a wonderful chance each day to set an example for kids who's lives are filled with people who have given up on them, and who have given up on themselves. Parents in some cases are so bound up with their own hurts, histories and hopelessness that they feel like they can do nothing for their children. My heart breaks when I see that, and even though I know there is not much that I can do, I know that I now have a bit of different calling.

Instead of spending everyday in the ministries inside of the church, my new ministry is everyday, everywhere and to everyone. I find fellowship in a different way and cherish my time visiting home (or Ottawa) so much more. I get recharged from conversations on the phone and online, and in spite of the isolation that surrounds me, I have found out how my spirituality can still be alive and grow.